Do you ever feel like you're nothing more than a pair of hands?
Hands that:
wake the kids up in the morning,
fix breakfast,
make school lunches,
fix girls' hair,
fill up water bottles,
drive to preschool and sign in,
push the grocery cart and load it up w/ food,
put all the groceries away at home,
sign out of preschool and drive home,
fix lunches,
change diapers,
get out crayons and coloring books - put them away,
get out play dough - put it away,
flush toilets all day,
carry toddler upstairs and put her down for a nap,
vacuum and mop the floors, wipe the table and counters, clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, pick up toys, etc.,
refill drinks and snacks all day,
drive to various activities,
fix dinner,
tuck kids into bed,
etc.
Sometimes I think that if I disappeared and was nothing more than a pair of hands no one would even notice. I know it's not really true, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
Sorry this is such a downer of a post. I just needed to get it off my chest. I guess I just kind of feel swallowed up by day to day to life. It's not even that I don't like it. I'm so grateful to get to be the one who does all these things for my family and I love them more than I could ever express. I think I've just lost sight of who I am separate from my life as wife and mom and feel very inadequate as mom. There's always so much to do - much more than I can ever get done. I want to have a clean and organized house and can't seem to keep it that way. I want to be a patient mother, but inevitably loose my cool at some point in the day and have to apologize. I want to be the one my family can depend on and lean on, but I don't feel very strong. I want to be fun and someone my family loves to be around, but don't feel that way right now.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I know we all feel down at times. I'm just having a hard time pulling myself out of this rut. I guess I just need to keep trying and be more forgiving of my shortcomings and just try to focus on all the wonderful blessings I have. I just read "Daughters of God" by Elder Ballard from the April 2008 Gen. Conf. There are two things I from his talk that I know I can and should work on. 1) Live more in the moment and enjoy the moments more w/o worrying about the next thing that needs to get done. 2) Find time to cultivate my gifts and talents. Elder Ballard says that "water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even your children". I think this is my biggest problem at the moment - I've let my well run dry. The problem with having an empty well is that I've forgotten how to fill it up. Thankfully, Elder Ballard gave the advice that I needed, "Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it."
I have a friend who puts three things she is grateful for at the end of each post she does. I think I'd like to start that too - so here goes:
1. "big hugs" and kisses from my kids, 2. a family who is patient with me, 3. the gospel to guide me and to help give me an eternal perspective.
My story...
Travis and I have been married since 1996. We have 4 beautiful children: Madelyn (1998), Jacob (2001), Bryson (2004), and Allyson (2007). I love being a mom and wouldn't change a thing (most of the time!).
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9 comments:
You are so much more than a pair of hands. You are the rock and foundation of the family. Both in temporal and spiritual things. I love you more than words can express. I need you for much, much more than the tasks you perform. You are such a part of me because of the person you are, not because of the tasks you perform.
You are an awesome mom. I feel your pain...I often feel that way too and that no one appreciates what I do. I hope you have a better day.
I could take this post and cut and paste it onto my own blog...I feel the same way. I think all moms do! :O)
All I have to say is I don't know how you do it all. I admire you so much and I think you are fabulous as a mom, a wife, a sister-in-law, as a friend, and just as a really fun girl.
I feel that way a lot of times and I only have one kid to manage. It's frustrating when I feel like I can't ever find time for personal projects, like a certain family DVD that was meant to be done last Christmas. :(
Dena, it's good to hear that that other moms feel that way too. I was just having these exact same thoughts the other day. You are an amazing mom, and I think Travis's comments are so sweet--you can definitely tell you are a loved lady!!
I admire you, Dena, and I'm glad that someone's not afraid to write the truth! Many times people say, "How are ya doing?" and we put a smile on our faces and say we're great when it would really be more helpful to both parties to say and hear the truth. I have bad days all of the time and often wonder, because I don't hear anyone else complaining, if I'm the only one. Ridiculous thing is, I can actually convince myself that everyone else has it all together. Ha! Thanks for sharing:)
Dena, I love what you wrote. I truely miss talking to you so much every week. You always gave me such good advice and made things seem good. There is so much pressure to look like you "have it together all of the time." I so never do!! I think it is time for a vacation. It is hard raising so many kids but so worth it. I know you are an awesome mom and your family loves you...we all do.
First of all, I can't believe my brother wrote such a sweet words. Who knew? Then I wanted to thank you for your honesty in your post. It really had an impact with me, particularly today.
I think the same daily grind gets to us all. But then again I get really upset when my schedule gets too out of whack also. What gives?
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